Long Overdue

I was never able to fully sort out my feelings for Hangeng. Some days, I'm angry at him for not giving the other members a heads up, on others, I feel sorry for everything he's gone through and feel like he's in a better place. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to look at his new pictures, even though I say I support him.

Lately I've been at a loss for what exactly it was I was feeling. I've been so confused, because I SAY I support him, but whenever news of him crops up, my face doesn't light up like it does when it's news about Hyukjae, or the other members. I know I'm supposed to be happy for him, like any good ELF should be. I'm not supposed to sigh and furrow my brow after seeing his concert posters, or seeing photos of him rehearsing. I'm supposed to grin and smile at my computer screen and be able to say wholeheartedly, "I'm happy you're happy."

... But I'm not happy. I do not jump for joy when he releases a new song, and I don't squeal in delight whenever there's a new photo or show he guests in. I am not happy, because it still hurts. A lot.

But that's not to say I hate him, because I don't. I do support him, and I want what is best for him and I want him to be able to work towards the dreams and goals he has set for himself. But right now, I'm still not quite over him officially pursuing a solo career, and it hurts to see him apart from Super Junior.

You can call me 'selfish' or whatever derivative of the word; Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. All I know is that I've invested way too much heart, emotion and energy into loving this Korean group, that it's still painful, even after 6 months. So I'm not quite ready to say 'I'm happy for you, Geng.' Because it's hard, it's not the truth.. because I know it's still freaking painful for the members, no matter how much they try to mask their true feelings. I do support him, and of COURSE I want him to do AMAZING with his new solo career. Just give me a few more months and I'll be able to say, wholeheartedly, that I'm happy for him.